Be a Balanced Communicator

Posted: Sunday December 13, 2009 under Lead Myself

In a world of perpetual sending and receiving of information — 24-hour news, email, Facebook, Twitter, and nearly 90% of the US on cell phones —, the quality of our communication seems to be diminishing. We write fewer long letters, we sit down to fewer family dinners, we have fewer face-to-face encounters and fewer meaningful conversations.

It’s one of the great paradoxes of our incredible technological progress: as our communication becomes more routine and efficient, it becomes less effective in many cases. We increasingly treat our interactions with people like the drive-thru window at Burger King, passing a few words, getting our value meal, and driving off. There’s nothing wrong with this type of impersonal communication (which we seem to be doing more of) as long as we do not neglect the more meaningful interpersonal communication that makes a real difference in our work and personal lives (which we seem to be doing less of … and becoming less practiced at).

Our communication exists on a continuum between impersonal and interpersonal, and we should move from one to the other based on our goal. Is it more important for us to get the task done or strengthen the relationship with the person or people to whom we are communicating?

For example, when we drive through Burger King, our goal is to get our food and go. We don’t really care who is behind the window, and he or she doesn’t really care who we are. Our focus is on the task: to send our request as clearly as we can so we get what we want.

But what if we go to the same restaurant for lunch every day and have the same waiter? Could we benefit from a stronger relationship? Of course. A stronger relationship might get us a better table at the restaurant, faster service, better food, or just interesting conversation. The waiter might get a better tip, a good recommendation from us to other people, and more business.

Ask yourself: Do I tend to have more impersonal or interpersonal communications with coworkers? Am I meeting my goals of getting tasks done and strengthening relationships?

For the most part, we need to find a balance between the two. Too impersonal and relationships suffer; too interpersonal and tasks suffer.

Interpersonal communication is tougher, even for the smartest, most interesting, most articulate, and most gregarious of us. It’s a complex process with lots of potential minefields, and we can all feel misunderstood and frustrated by our inability to convey our messages clearly. But we can’t text and tweet every conversation. Eventually, we’ll have to talk to someone … in person … in a meaningful way.

The best way to improve as an interpersonal communicator is to do it: get out from behind the computer and the desk, engage with people face-to-face, put yourself in varying social situations with diverse people, deal with different opinions and ideas with respectful debate, focus on the other person’s words and perspective, listen to understand. You may just find it catches on.

The drive-thru is great, but sometimes we should to sit down and chew the fat.